*brimming*
may18th,1:01am>the world needs a stranger. everybody knows everybody but they don't really care if somebody from everybody would disappear cos this earth are not running out of people. we are running out of good honest ones though but then again,nobody really needs them around. i find it odd for me to sit on the train ride home and just look at people that i don't even know and knowing if i had made the effort to actually stand up and shake their hands, they would either welcome me or just think i am completely insane. but either way, they will know me. next time they'll see me around, i won't be the stranger like once before. i'll be somebody they will recognise...good or bad,they will know me. i find that weird. really weird. the world needs a stranger. too many people know too many people. bleeergh.
*prop*
may17th,1:07am>i was supposed to help numbness with her school work but then i realised that i've already made plans with rina and kitsch bitch. i'm sorry numbie for not helping you out. i'm hoping it went okay and don't worry, you'll get your sleep soon. wel, i don' really feel like wrting anything down. maybe later. yeah. maybe.
*progressive dancing*
may16th,1:12am>So i'm guessing i'm done with my exams. I had a short chat with one of my lecturers and she told me that it's gonna be hard for me to make it into third year. She said that i didn't impress anybody with my paintings. I almost wanted to shove her head in the stinkin toilet. She had no idea how long it took me to actually finish up my damn paintings and she has no idea how much effort i put in in doin all that work. All i can to myself is,"ah...screw it. What's done is done." I went to watch "blow dry' alone today. I don't remember much about the movie or the storyline but i do remember chucking along to a scene. So i guess it's a comedy. I wanted to watch 'one night at mccools' but my baby wasn't there. I went down to borders again to eat maggi mee. Yep. I had two packets in my locker and i didn't want to spend that much money on food so that's what i did. I went to borders to ate instant noodles. Weird. Met up with beatnik and the rest and by golly, it was so fucking humid today. It better rain tomorrow,damnit. I've decided to call my zine"'BACKSPACE" cos it ryhmes with snapcase. But it's got nothing to do with the band whatsoever but it will be dealing with more poetry than anything else and the occasional ramblings. I wanted to write some stuff on some issues but i'm gonna save that for later cos all i have are problems and no solutions. christian should probably be halfway to penang by now. I miss the guy. usual day today with the usual crowd but i wouldn't trade em for the world. I miss my baby.
*off the beaten man*
may16th,1:10am>Let's not get started on this but if not now then i'll be dead by the time you can even care. It's hard to go out almost everyday and know that you are gonna get pissed off with someone for just being human. The thing is, is being human acceptable anymore? It seems that a lot of mistakes that are made by us humans are blamed on human nature. Is it human nature to be greedy and dumb and full of shit? Well, is it? I can't stand around here anymore and pretend not to see what i can see with my eyes wide shut. Let's get on with the smaller things that can drive a man insane. The way on how we judge people day by day, hour after hour, minute after minute is just an insult to our own intelligence. Nothing really matters what i have in my head no more. Not from where i'm standing. If i could wear my insides as a shirt, i would but the thing is i'm not sure whether if it will make any difference. There are some things that i'm not proud of cos there's this thing in my head or let's just call it the "bad side"....ooooooh...how scientific is that? Well anyway, this "bad side" of me is not what i'm proud of. There are some certain cases when i get pissed with some guy on the street and would blame it on his race. So does that make me a closet rascist? I don't think so. I'm gonna put the blame on human nature. Human nature(and i'm not talking about the boyband) is the enemy cos that term makes it alright for us to be dumb and stupid. In short, human nature is just another way of saying,"hey. That's okay. I guess you're normal cos after all you are only human." But then again i get insulted if somebody would call me human cos i'm not proud of the whole thing. Humans are full of shit. The mainstream humans who make everything look pretty on the outside are just nothing but shit. I'm trying my best not to be a part of the whole rat race, you know? It gets so frustrating sometimes. It's pretty rare for me to go out and walk the streets and not want to punch somebody's face and i am definately not proud of that fact but this is me being honest. I hate it when i do feel that way but then again, it's human nature. I abhor rascists but sometimes i would catch myself making rascist remarks in my head about some certain guy. i abhor perverts but sometimes i would catch myself checking out some girl in a pevertish sort of way. I am human and it is in their nature not to be perfect. But just because the saying of 'nobody's perfect' is glorified throughout the whole entire world, why should we make that as an excuse? Shouldn't we strive for perfection? Shouldn't we strive to be an ideal society? We all know what's right and wrong but we do it anyway just because it's human nature. Bah humbug. What do you think?
*level rooted structure*
may15th,2:23am>"i know i'm happy but sometimes the wind just don't blow straight, you know? it sucks but then again,that's the way it is. people like you and me and those on pavements..they know that nothing can save ourselves but ourselves that come from nothing. we strive for nothing and when we do see a pot of gold, we can only see a madman with a pistol. a goddamn fucking pistol. bullets loaded up to this high i would probably guess. and i guess i might not be this clean without bleeding for long." ROOTS ARE HERE-you can't seem to go anywhere/not even if i can't see you in front of my eyes/you are rooted to me/from ground up and all the way in here/i point to chest/you point to east.
*this difference*
may15th,1:54am>Today was a perfect day. I met up with sunshine after putting up my paintings and stuff for my exam. Had a blast of a time. We decided to walk to like different routes but had to go back to the way we came from most of the time cos there were a lot of dead ends. Yeah. It was tiring but i had tons of fun cos she was there. We went down to borders and i got myself the newest copy of punk planet. She had to leave for home after that so i met up with the rest of guys at bugis at around 6 or something. Had latte as usual and a-jay showed up first. Then came numbness and derby and then beatnik..i think. Or was that the order they came in? Oh heck. It doesn't really matter. We were there to see chris cos he'll be leaving for penang later today and i have no idea for what. I guess i don't really wanna know cos it doesn't really matter. He's gonna leave and there's nothing i can do. I wished he didn't have to go though cos i was just getting to know the guy. When chris finally showed up(he got lost..well kinda) we headed down to 'ah chew' for drinks and dinner. Unfall,hashish and suhaimi came by. It seemed so perfect and it was. My best friends were there,you know? It was awesome. Then after a few ciggies and tow cups of ice lemon tea later, we headed down to suntec for some cool air. Went down to tower to check a couple of cds and magazines and books. Spent almost close to 45 minutes just browsing around....well, i would think it was about 45 minutes. Anyway, bumped into simon from blyss. Me and the guys chit chatted with him for a while before heading down to the supermarket to buy more food. I bought sushi in which i gobbled up in less than 15 minutes. I felt really bad but damn it...i was hungry! We sat down that at the most coolest place and had to tolerate some kids who were making so much noise. Thank god, they didn't stay long. Shot some pictures with hashish's digicam and we took some awesome shots. Bob did the "hardcore leap of faith" and it looked brilliant. I hope the pictures are gonna be up on the hashish's site soon. Numbness was so unbelievably hyper. I like her more when she's like that cos i can just stop talking and let her amuse the rest of us. Heehee. Sorry numbie..no offence. Then before you knew it, it was already getting late and we had to go back home. I guess everybody was kinda sad that the day ended soooo fast. I knew there was gonna be some hard goodbyes cos of chris leaving to penang. I wished you could have stayed a while more,man....really. i mean we hardly talk but i guess today was the first time we actually did interact. if i didn't have known that we will definately be meeting up in the near future, i would be like really sad and all.so what difference does it make if all you do is leaving? Well... i guess the answer is lying in the next line. you never left us at all. See you soon chris. And i'll see the rest of you later. Love ya.
*hanging on*
may14th,12:50am>"sometimes there's nothing we can do but watch. i live on floors while you babies can stay up there. it's alright. i love it when you can't see me down here. it's freedom. total freedom. i love it when you think that i'm such a bastard. it's real good to know. cos then i know where i am with you and that's okay. that's alright." i guess i'm still hanging on to yesterday cos it was a perfect night. it was excellent and i don't think i'm ever gonna have a time like that ever again..but we'll see. i have my exams later so i guess i'd better get everything ready. see you guys later.
*awesome*
may13,4:20am> hell yeah! i can't believe it's over. seriously. i can't. i had such an excellent time today and it was just so unbelievable. it was bottomline awesome. everybody was there and it was really great to see them all in one place. finally. before the whole gig started, i was kinda stressed out cos i was still struggling with the paperwork but it was all cool. i would like to apologise to virgin violette cos of the fact that we had to make them finish up their set early. i'm sorry you guys couldn't have played that last song that you've been practicing for so long. the wheather was awesome too. no sun in sight for the whole time and just a couple of raindrops later on but it's all cool. it was wonderful. what else can i say? i guess i did okay for izar's diary and marchtwelve and right now my back hurts cos i did a backroll on stage with the guitar and i'm hoping that beanik's guitar wasn't scratched or nothing like that. i saw eve but i didn't introduce myself cos i don't really see the point. my baby was there and i love her so. very much. it was such an excellent show cos of the fact we had a lot emotions put into making this happen. i don't think anyone of us could care less of the crowd although they too were wonderful. after the whole thing was over, all of us went down to "ahmeng's cafe" and had a good dinner cum supper. the soulman was there and so was beatnik,hashish,derby,numbness,unfall and the rest. daniel sassoon and joyce joined us afterwards and we had a great time grooving to santana as he was being played on their p.a.it was awesome. afterwards we went to play pool and i had a great time. all in all today was almost just too perfect and i didn't want it to end. i almost cried when i was on the bus ride home. as of this time, my life seems to be so complete. wonderful friends and the brightest sunshine anyone could ask for. i'm happy and it's all because of them. i owe them my life. thank you guys for today for it was truly a this fine day. xoxoxo
*this heart keeps skipping a beat*
may12th,1:59am>i'll be on stage later during the day and by this time tomorrow i'm gonna be all drained out. well, it's finally here and i'm so excited and i don't have any idea why. let it be written that i'm going to give it my all because this show is going to be all about my friends, my baby and the ones who fell, not knowing if they will ever get up again. this one is for the sunsets and the shooting stars that keeps passing us by. this is for the writers and the dreamers and the painters. i'm giving it my all and i have no idea what will happen because it will be something that i won't be able to control. this past few weeks have been hell for some people i know and there's a lot of emotions involved from the day we started doing this thing until today. this very moment. this silence before the end. before the rain and before the fire that fuels us all. i will give it my all because of this dire need of peace. i will find my heart this fine day.
*say it isn't so*
may11th,12:47am>everything seems to be crashing at all the wrong places and all at the wrong time. the oh so familiar faces that comforts this fire are slowly disappearing to circumstances. i wish it didn't have to be this way but it is and that's reality. and the thing is nobody has the power to control anything anymore. this is out of our hands and i'm sick of it. i was watching(well, mostly singing along to)return to fall practice today and i realised that this is the only thing that has remained constant. the music and the love for it all. in the end this is what we come home to. when everything crashes down, the music and the fire is still on that stage and it has never gotten off. dyfectra has been playing and jamming for nine years and it's still there. the music and the familiar choruses to our songs is still very much a part of us. people change and buildings get burned down and mountains get higher but this thing has never changed. the fact that we are all living for the music that we make. that we create. and that's the only thing that we have control over and i don't see how that could ever change cos i don't think it can. even if the band is together long enough to write one tune together, that song will always remain even if it goes unnoticed. it will never disappear. here's to everybody we lost to the cracks in the pavements.
*i'm losing it right now have a piece please*
may10th,whatever time i'm off it>"isn't it funny when you say that you know me but you have no idea who i am? you can't read me. to those who think they can. you can't read me. you think you are so good at reading between my lines when you have no clue at all. you have no fucking idea what or who i am. you don't so stop it. this was my idea godammit. my whole fucking idea. you took it away from me. don't you fucking understand? have i ever promised you anything? no. nothing at all. sure. you can go ahead and tell everyone how you are feeling cos that's you. you can do that and not feel anything. is this all justified? hell fucking yes. i can't sleep cos of what you said. you make me want to drown myself. you make me want to take this knife and slash it across my wrists. you think i'm fucking joking? you think i'm fucking pulling your leg? you have no idea how i am feeling so stop pretending that you care. i can love you 24/7 but where the fuck is the patience? where the fuck are you when i'm killing myself with your words? you don't give a shit. who the fuck put you on the platform? i'm not gonna judge you cos i've never put you there. you are the man. so be the man. i've had enough. i've had enough. you think i have no idea how you feel? godammit. i get this everyday. i can't shed anything cos i'm all out. i'm done with it. HAVE I EVER PROMISED YOU ANYTHING? HUH?????? backspace ago neons were the sun and everything shaded are killing themselves lacking vitamins and everything else priority checking listing what do we need to kill the oneinside eating up the worms that make mud look like whores and scoundrels can you read me now i am here for you to step on so go ahead you can do it maggots are like scabs but with eyes on the rear end the very is the lesser of everything else o.m.g i make you into what i am do you think not getting educated is mere less important or am i just dead among flowers who are my friends who are my friends i doubt what you spit cos it looks like your humble me i look like worms i am maggot spine gone and dead buried skin choked in carbon and sent through mail and vice versa do you know who the fuck i am no you don't and understand that clouds they burn with rain or do they not you can't beunfair to me put me on the platform to cos i need to be looked down upon by way i lie to make you smile that's what i do i can't stand so sit down i will on morals so close to home it makes me wanna choke and i hope someday you will when you say your vows and promises and how much you swear you would like to be you and i need hammer on nails so i can step on your face and drive myself to the avenue gone wrong way can i cant stop myself try reading this if you can do you have patience i thing i guess i burn into midnight or maybe less if it was yesterday or two days in a row where i had nothing on but socks to keep the tempeature warm and i am losing words so they give me brand new ones hooray the whistling on wolves that make good fur but i might as well have more patience that fur i'm nothing on horizon the mood changes everything everything changes its mood. semi collon full of stops.
*it don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing*
may10th,2001> i might get kicked out from school cos of a fucking screw up. it's unbelievable. i found out what i am afraid of. i am afraid of not getting an education. seriously, i am. i am afraid that at the end of the day i might not get that piece of paper that says,"here. you're done. you are all educated and everything. fuck off." that would be excellent. fucking excellent. i will know if i am still a part of the superstructure by this friday. i have plans to fuck the whole structure and how am i supposed to do that if my ass is nowhere near there? anyway, moving on to bigger things. i'm hoping that the soulman is gonna be okay. he got ripped apart at the platform today. i hoped he stayed strong through the whole ordeal cos he has to stay strong. there's no other choice, you know? there ain't no other choice. "i'm staying away. you won't even know i'm gone."
*this fine day*
may9th,1:01am>i can tear up by the truckload and it won't make any difference because i am nothing. i have people hang up on me in conversations that hang in air. i have people i know who have good hearts and i'm gonna be standing here doing nothing because i am no good to anyone. i am nothing to you right now i know cos i am nothing. i pray for you my brother cos there's nothing else i can do. i'm nothing but a liar. i'm selfish and i only think about myself. you have known the wrong me. isn't it funny now? i spent hours on end on other days and that will of course count for nothing. you want me to tell the truth? i can't. you have got nothing for me to say right now. i can't say cos what i know can break you apart and this world has enough of the "truth" as it is. this on line diary is nothing. it used to be my soul but then again i have no soul. i am close to nothing now. you can put me there. how selfish is this? my god. i am so much am i not? i am the one full of it. i come in and log in and smash people's faces end on end when i should really smash myself up cos i truly deserve it. i am nothing. i'm on my way out. this reaction may end soon. the transmission may die out when i give the fullstop. it may or may not. i'm looking at myself at different angles and i'm so nothing. how am i gonna face up to myself when there's nothing for me to say anymore. i am done. this will not make a difference. i will not make a difference. i am nothing.
*endreactionenditnow*
"this world is full of it. everything's gonna suck themselves in and i'm just gonna stand by and watch em die. i am a no good sonofabitch aren't i not? yes goddammit. why the fuck am i still living in rooms with myself when i should be out there stabbing people's back? godammit. i wanna fucking kill myself so much so fucking much i can do it. let him off the fucking noose please. let them all off. i need nooses. fuck. who the hell do i think i am? i can't sell horses by the truckload cos i am so full of shit. i trust myself but not really now so i'm out of the picture okay? i'm fucking out.what the fuck is this? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS????????"
*on my way out*
may9th,12:37am>i'm sorry hashish to let you down.
*moving on*
may8th,3:54am>so everything's cool again. everything's cleared up. how sweet is life?
*shedding skin*
may8th,2:52am>i am so sick of getting this kind of shit from the same people that i thought i knew. i might as well bring a rope and make a noose and come up to your face and say.."here.you deserve this." what in the world do you have to say for yourself? i had to listen to you whine about your sweetest ambitions. i said okay..one more time. i was hoping you would have changed man. you didn't. not even slightly. people told me to let it slide. to let it go. but not this time. you do this to everybody and maybe they have the patience to put up with your shit. not me man. not fucking me. i ask you a question and you can tell me the answer without blinking an eye? damn you. i wasted my time and effort for nothing. i feel like shedding my skin and just be an animal. they seem to make more sense sometimes. i am so sick of going on the train ride to anywhere and am forced to listen to other people's shit. everyday fucking day. you are no better than the rest.no fucking better.
*systral*
may8th,2:32am>can i throw you a fucking curve ball? eh bro? you dip me in your gasoline eh? twice my friend. you did this to me twice. i can kill you in my head cos that's what i do. everytime i see you. i kill you in my head. can i throw you another curve ball? right between your fucking eyes? eh? you fuck. can i put you in front of the mic and make you bleed just by staring at you? can i? huh? you don't give a damn about anybody. think about it. you fuck. it's all about you. your knive is buried deep in my back and it's gonna stay there cos of the fact that it's gonna be reminding me that good people are hard to come by and you can fuck off. you don't do this to another human being. you fuck. you have no idea how much i hate your guts right now. you are shit. you are nothing to me. you can take your ethics off me cos it doesn't apply to me. you can fuck off. fuck off you stupid fuck. get this mic away from your face cos in the end you got really nothing to say now. you are fucked and you have no idea huh? you think you are soooo influential now? huh? i kill you in my sleep. NOTHING GOOD WILL COME TO PEOPLE WHO ARE SO FULL OF IT. you are so full of it. so fucking full.
*it's raining sun again*
may7th,11:19pm>my baby's back and you gonna be in trouble. hey la hey la my baby's back.
*display*
may7th,11:18pm>Everything is coming in between these little cracks and it's making me smile and love you more. I guess you can try to bring me down. You can try your hardest if you want to while i sit on my chair thinking about these little cracks. Oh, don't you remember? Don't you love it when you see me walking on and trippng on thresholds like thinking they were brick walls or something like that.(whatever) I can talk about the madness that didn't stop when you were dancing with Pistol and his pals. It seems like everyday is everything to me but not to you. I can see you drowing and i can see me loving you more when you don't push me off ledges and cliffs. It depends on something. I can't put my finger on it neither on you. It hurts like papercut. Can i sigh now and stop pretending that i like having my face smeared on walls. It's nice but oh, so boring. How stagnant can they get? Sometimes i look back and i can see my spine on the floor buried deep about 6 feet in maybe. I don't really like being on time if there is no time at all. Let's rush for gold. Let's rush for ideals. There's no rush in rushing you say. Oh what brilliant lines you come up with. When the beasts under your bed are calling me, i would like for you to have a wonderful time. Such wonderful time. You were brilliant in writing letters when i had a hard time opening them up. Had to put them over hot air so they won't crash. I keep them in shoeboxes. I keep them like diamonds. I keep them really deep in suns and the cold. They wear me out like you do with other things. Like me. We laugh like kids do we? Yes we do.
*i don't really wanna die*
may7th,2:36am>i have learnt to love as much as i can. that was how i was brought up. with sunshine and sugar and all that kind of stuff. i had a good life.so far. i am blessed and i love my family and friends. sometimes i feel fucked up and wish i was dead and i have no idea why. i guess it's just me. i don't see why should i even complain but then again that's me. you can come in here and read this. but let's get one thing straight. this is me. and when you come here and start judging me, you are the one fucked up. think about it. i bare my soul on the reaction almost everyday. this is all i have. having something as public as this is kinda weird but i can't really hide it. you should see this was coming. if you know me well enough you would have seen this one coming. don't take any of the things i wrote here seriously because this is not for you to read. then why i should bother putting it on cyberspace for everyone to see? i don't know. i guess it is something i can look forward to everytime i come back home from school, from work or just hanging out. it makes me feel good. knowing that i have this to record my daily life. my life. it's not yours so stop thinking that you have a say. cos you don't.
*jimi goes wow*
may5th,1:27pm>goodness gracious me. hey natasha thanks for telling me it's a transit. i knew i had it in my whiny lil brain of mine..somewhere. spaced out. duh. i spent the night with bob,nizam and zahid and had a pretty good time laughing out so loud. it was a hilarous nite. before that djohan,razi and hashish and beatnik and unfall were there too. had what lil amount of supper i could afford. it was a fun night cos i said so. i miss my baby.
*hatchday*
may4th,1:03am>today was a tiring day and i have no idea why. for lunch i had nothing but the greatest cup of latte again with beatnik and numbness who had a sandwich and some snapple. i have new shoes! well, they aren't exactly new. jack purcells , thank you very much all credit going to beatnik. it can't fit him anymore cos he said it was too tight. but then again i think beatnik and me wear the same shoe size. so i'm trying to break into the shoe cos i guess it's not really comfy at all. it just looks cool that's all. i'm listening to the red hot chili peppers cos i like it. i hoped everyone nice had a nice day and i hope the nasty kids had a really bad one. yep. oh by the way..it's eve's birthday! happy 21st birthday eve! have a good one.
*refuse*
may3rd,12:45am>i had latte earlier so i wouldn't feel sleepy later. i packed extra clothes in my bag in case i won't be able to make it back home. i fought and begged with my mum to let me stay out late so i can "pick up a friend from the airport." but i'm at home. oh what fun.
*record breaking breaks*
may2nd,1:53pm>i'm at n.y.c cos i feel like it. i'm waiting for amran to pass me some stuff through e-mail so i'm hoping it's gonna be fast. might be meeting him up later so we can pick up eve from the states. i hope she's nice. hope she won't turn out to be some "i-am-more-punk-than-you-so-get-away-from-me" kind of girl.yep. unfall!! hurry up and call me!! tell me you're done with it and it's like an essay with 100000 words explaining why we're so special. hahah! stressed out aren't you? i don't mean to be mean,bro. you know that. i keep hoping some weird guy's gonna come up to me and give me like a million dollars so i can buy two first class tickets to vienna and spend it on grapes and my baby. we'll have such a good time. craig david is playing on the p.a system at nyc. this happens everytime i'm here so i'm not surprised any more. what the hell am i talking about? i skipped art history class today cos i wanna finalise everything for the gig. yawn. i'll be working later at 6pm all the way to 11pm. eve's gonna be landing on the runaway at about 11:55pm and i'm gonna be there with unfall,beatnik and the ramones. hahah. i hope. i'm wondering how am i gonna get home later. do you think unfall got his dad's car? that'll be awesome if he did. i mean i don't think he will give me a ride home or anything like that but then again maybe he might. it'll be awesome. i have no idea where we gonna be dropping eve. maybe at some hotel near bugis. hope she's gonna be okay. hope the ride's not gonna be too bumpy. she said it's gonna be a 14hours flight. wow.
a whole 14 hours of flying. i think she's gonna be stopping over somewhere first. i'm not too sure what the exact word is when you do that. uhm...a stop over. man. i forgot. oh well. i'm wondering what numbie is doing right now. hope she went to the dentist guy already. my sister came by the house yesterday with the hubbie. i missed her. she gave me some money. yay. just now, i was going for a cup of latte when i saw beatnik having lunch with some yuppies. he seemed so out of the place. hehe. he looked bored and distracted so i'm hoping he won't be thinking of anything funny like that..well...you know. i won't even mention what's her name. i am planning to make this the longest entry ever. yes. it's like a personal record. they have their 100 metre sprints and the longest time a person can stand on one leg and i have my longest on line diary entry ever! hahah! i'm evil! yes! yes! just got a call from my baby and she'll be here in a while so that's gonna be cool. excellent! now where is unfall? still waiting. damn. i just gave him a call and he'll be done in fifteen minutes. a couple of years ago, i had this thing where i'll wake up every morning and would just start writing whatever it is that's on my mind. it doesn't have to make sense cos it's just something i had to do to free my head. haha. yeah. i read it in a book, thank you very much. it's called the morning pages. the book said that i shouldn't be afraid to make mistakes because it will contribute to the whole creative process. yay!!! my baby is here!!!!! anyway...i hope the record's broken..haha. we'll see. later.
*wishful thinking*
may1st,11:23pm>i heard about beatnik and i'm wondering if he's okay. i mean of course he's not but i want to buy him a cup of latte. he deserves all the latte that he can get his hands on. anything to make him feel better. if i have the only cure for a broken heart, i would divide it between beatnik,unfall and hashish. they deserve it more than anybody else i know. hey beatnik. if you're reading this at the office and it's before lunchtime, please do give me a call. i can buy you latte. i just got my allowance so it wouldn't be a problem. but knowing you, you wouldn't want me to buy you latte but if you know me well enough, i would keep on insisting. then you know what? you can get like two stamps on your spinelli's card cos we would have two cups of coffee! yay! i'm gonna try and call unfall so he can join us. he's not doing anything much i hope. so yeah. it can be the three of us. how about numbness and hashish? i'll call them up to ask whether if they're free okay? yep. love you bro. call me.
*no surprise*
may1st,11:11pm> "you are so punk it makes me wanna shut you up." nope. i'm not angry. seriously i'm not. i guess you just have this problem with telling people how you really feel. that's okay. you are still somebody i know and that's about it. you could have been a brother. but then again you don't respect me so why should i even bother with you and your politics. you walk with your ethics stack up this high but then again you lack the common human decency to tell me that you don't need me anymore. that's okay. i have my other vehicles. my other ways to make this day seem alright. something i can look forward to on weekends. it's alright although you already did this to me twice. you should have known better the second time around. i'm never gonna change for you. not for you. you could have asked and i might just consider, but then again i might not. you took a chance on me and i disappoint you? but you know what? you are only disappointing yourself. give me back my respect. i'm gonna save it for somebody more worthwhile.
*what makes it all good*
may1st,12:50am> numbness has a toothache. she should go to the dentist and check it out so she can get better soon. hashish are having exams. i wish him all the best and all the luck i can bring to the table. beatnik is still sad. i hope i can buy him a cup of latte and a tee shirt from the design is kinky website so he can breathe a bit easier. unfall is still hanging in there. i'm hoping that the rope will turn into a ladder so he climb up and check out the magnificent view. the guard is stressed out at camp cos he thinks that everybody there are morons. i wish him all the patience and all the rollins and all the strength he can handle to get through the days unscathed. my sunshine is a bit sad with the thought that nobody wants her to be happy. i am going to give her all the care and concern i can give to another human being so she can turn that frown,upside down. you are my lovelies. there's nothing in the world that i wouldn't do for you. nothing.
*line*
may1st,12:32am> i'll gladly bite bullets and spit it out from my heart for you. if you can't see me smile then don't see me at all. i long for days when i can hold the hand of sunshine and not look over my shoulder. i know who you are. and you have nothing to do with me. you walk past me like i am nothing and that's all i am to you. it won't matter if you see me hurting cos all you can see is yourself. so be it. i can't be bothered anymore. i know who my family are and you are not part of it. i will keep this line between us a thick one. a thick line that seperates. it didn't have to be this way and you know it. but you're pushing it and the structure is crashing down. you don't care. you don't give a shit. you look at me and see a lil ass punk. whatever. i am sick and tired of you and your jury. i loved you. past tense. got that? past fucking tense. i don't owe you a damn thing. nothing. just like i am to you. grow up. grow the fuck up.
*on our knees*
april30th,12:58am> finally met up with unfall today. went off to witness return to fall record at "antu atim's" studio. we had tons of fun. numbness were there and she was taking pictures with a digicam. she's good at taking pictures. she definately has the eye for it. me miss hashish cos he's busy studying for his exams. kick ass k? i know you're gonna do well cos it seems to me that you know your stuff so break a leg and not your heart. everything's gonna turn out okay. beatnik likes refused and shelter. beatnik likes latte. beatnik likes making stickers. i have school later and i'm hoping to meet up with beatnik for coffee somewhere at about 12pm. but my guess is he'll be busy with work and all so we'll see. i hope numbness' back is gonna be okay. get well soon. the sunshine's coming down and i'm excited. "GOOD GUYS FINISH ON THEIR KNEES."
*stealth*
april29th,1:06am>Went down to city hall to meet up with beatnik and hashish for the lasalle gig. Pretty good bands rocked out on stage today although i do wish that a couple of them won't let the matter of how the audience is reacting to affect the way they play. Met sunshine today which was such a relief. A relief? Yeah. I guess. She makes me wanna sigh so i guess i used the right choice of words. Unfall's last paper was today and i'm wondering if he think he did alright. We didn't meet up cos most probably he was tired and needed to catch up on some sleep. Marchtwelve was jamming today and somehow somewhere in the middle of it all, i felt so completely useless. It was as like as though i wasn't there. I don't know. I guess i was just being pathetic. Yeah. Maybe that's it. My eyes are all red again. I'm gonna go check out R.T.F's recording later. That'll be fun but before that i have work to do. Man, i'm tired but i am refusing to sleep. i still can't believe i'm gonna be 21 in a couple of weeks. Wow. And before you know it, i'll be like 99 or something like that. And i'm gonna die and that's it. The world is still gonna keep on spinning and the air is still gonna be there. It's funny, i guess. I'm doing a lot of guessing nowadays. Now that's a word i haven't used in a long time. Nowadays. How funny is that? Well, not that funny of course cos i'm not really laughing. I mean, i'm not laughing at all cos damn it, i'm gonna die and people are gonna get over that. I mean it's not as though they won't get over it if i'm gone now cos they will. Maybe in the next second after hearing the news. The first second would be occupied by wondering which farizwan was i? And they'll go something like,"oh. That farizwan and that's about it." Hahah. Yeah. Well, i hope dyfectra's gonna do fine. Seriously. The fact is that i don't really care what's gonna happen in my future but i know that same future will have to involve dyfectra. My first real band. Dyfectra has been together for 9 years. Can you believe that? 9 years. And we still haven't recorded anything to prove to the future generation that yes kids...dyfectra did exist. We didn't really mattered to anyone but this was our life. It still is. Dyfectra is my life. After all the shit that i've gone through, dyfectra has always been dyfectra. And it will never change. Not too many people know the whole idea behind the band and that's okay cos we don't really think that they should know anyway. I mean, it's not as though anybody cared, you know? Of course you do. But the band has been my strength and my saviour so many times before. It's unbelievable. Only hafizd would know cos he's been there with me since day one. Fellow comrade. We are like family yes? Good luck,bro. I miss the times when we would have coffee and have our whole bitching session. You remember? Hoe you are doing alright in camp. See you on the weekends. "IN ART AND DREAM MAY YOU PROCEED WITH ABANDON. IN LIFE MAY YOU PROCEED WITH BALANCE AND STEALTH."-patti smith.
*sunny*
april28th,3:57am> i am at sani's place hearing the rain crashing on pavements. i am having a good time so i guess everything is cool. hey natasha. i'm okay. i haven't been in a good mood these past few days so i guess that's the only thing that's bothering me. i have no idea how to deal with bad moods so yeah....i guess that's about it. i still love the sunshine. anyway,we are gonna check out this vcd of some victory releases now so i hope everyone's feeling all good and stuff. love you all.
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