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-leave me-
numbness
hashish
zee

the slowrush hour

-archive-

mar4 - apr27

april27th,1:07am> train ride home and i caught sight of somebody whom i haven't seen for the last three years. the queen of the trigger pulling juliets, that is she. she's not worth enough for me to actually write about her and so i won't. got off early from work today cos they had this annual stock take thingee or whatever else. had another excellent day in school and djohan was there too. i knew he would be coming for the afternoon class just because i had a hunch. uh huh. a damn bloody hunch. it was also a productive day cos i drew out a lot of sketches for my final project. what a load off my mind. during my lunchbreak, i went down to kinokuniya to look for business online. it's the magazine that beatnik designs for. i went for coffee after that and lo and behold,there was beatnik himself having a latte with his yuppie friends. haha.he joined me soon after and we had a good talk about posters and webpages. i miss all of my friends. hey unfall...kick major ass for that paper on saturday ok? and to numbness i seriously hope you are doing good. if you need help, don't hestitate to dial my number alright? to hashish, keep on rolling,bro. don't stop for anyone. and to last but not least,beatnik. been having wonderful conversations with you during our past two lunches together and i hope we'll have a billion other lunches to come. here's to indierock.

*utilise the universe*

*juice*

april26th,2:01am> i was kept busy today with school and work in which i am so getting bored of. but i guess it's gonna be okay cos i need the money anyway. damn. the things i do to keep my ass in school but i'm sure beatnik won't have any complains about that. haha. met up with him for lunch followed with an excellent cup of latte. we sat down and talked about stuff and the things he discovered at that girl's (i won't even bother to give her a real title of who she was to beatnik cos i really don't think she deserve it) place the night before. in beatnik's words..."foul". like yes. i can't agree more. but i had a good time but too bad numbness wasn't there. hope she's doing okay. but then again i'm always hoping my buddies are doing okay. i was watching this wrestling match like a few minutes ago. you know? uhm...wrestlemania? stone cold won the match up against the rock but in the most ridiculous manner. i am pretty disturbed by the whole thing but then again half of my friends hate the fact that i'm a big wwf fan. oh well. you got your soccer, i have my sgt slaughter. beautiful!

*drink to get dry*

april25th,12:44am> today was an excellent day just because it was. it's like a 5 minute break from my essay in which i'm transferring to paper by hand write just because i'm afraid that i might not have time to print out the real thing later. yes. my essay is done. thank you. i put in extra effort into everything i did today and i was surprised to see that i had the batteries to keep on going like that. excellent day spent with the most excellent people. i finally met unfall today which was just great. i missed him like mentally mad. all the best for your paper on saturday,bro. i know you are all stressed out and stuff but just remember that the only thing you can do now is to do your best. forget about the little distractions. you are going to be the one pulling the trigger if you don't concentrate. so now what? so which road will it be? the defeated or the middle-finger-in-the-air-i-am-not-going-to-let-this-screw-me stance? you decide. the bottomline is just do your best okay? okay. i feel as though i am getting better in diciplining myself. thanks to beatnik. the factor and the reason why my essay is done. i don't want to be a dumb punkrocker without an education. i don't want to be typical or even normal. i know that i want to make it with whatever i got because i'd figure that going to school and getting educated is better than some dropout who hangs out at far east plaza all day. the government should put a health warning on leonard. he's hazardous. like totally. i missed the sunshine today. damn."if you do really love me don't say it. show me your heart and i'll show you mine."

*react now*

april24th,1:27am> (numbness) i will make him bleed entirely completly if i can and they will not touch you again like this if it's not by the heart i will burn his skin so he won't be able to touch and feel and his choices will remain to zero for he will have been cut to pieces and i will make them all bleed if i can if they will die now i would love to see them die now if they can see through you they would have died there and then and now i will make them lose themselves and never to find themselves again they will never find their breath and they will never see again for i will blind them and skin them alive so they will die and they will die and they will all just die and you will live for your strength and your refusal to be the tool will make you better than any of them and if they are still alive by the time they die i will make them go through their whole death again........................(hashish) she could have been but she wasn't i know and all your strawberries would have gone stale by the time you get to the one that you need to fill your days and dreams with i know but always believe in other fields with a billion other strawberries that will be yours to pluck cos we will be nothing but nothing if that belief will die just like your faith in a better day it will be easier because i know it will i know it will because it must because it is us against the day and this is a fight that we will win together brother don't phone home because you are already home with me and us you know your heart will never be the same so don't let it be the same but reinvent the things that can bring you higher than anything and peaches will not save you for you are the one hanging onto the rope and not she and for that you will be the only one who can bring yourself back up again believe keep believing for the love of god and everything else that you hold dear i know you can and will because if you think you have lost faith in better days believe me when i say i have many others from the back of my head and my heart that it will get better...........................(beatnik) i know how much this is lingering onto your spine and i know you are trying to shake it off just like you should for she has been the death of you and it is good to see you are winning because you are i can see it with both eyes closed you are the star and you know you will rise above this and if any of the days if you seem to forget just know that i will slap you hard enough so you can keep smiling again and this time it will be inside out and you know that i will always be here and i will you can definately burn my ears off with whatever load or worries you have on your chest because you haven't tried me yet cos you can cos i'll fit you see you'll know that i am going to be here for you know cos you know that you will shake that feeling off from you that is sticking to you like a scab but i'm here and you will never shake me off cos you know that i'm here and so are the rest of us that will always love you for who you are and what you've been i am a brother without you even knowing it and i'll be here to help you get up when you lose yourself...................(unfall)she's not worth anything not even the pain and the angst that have been making you lose it since that day when sparks flew and you letting it rain like that which is admirable but not beating yourself up for it you are in my prayers everytime i pray and when everytime it does you know i'm here making sure you are close nearby to my heart eventhough you seem to be gone everytime i come close you are gone but that's okay because i know a friendship like ours will never wither and i know for i have this mindset and we will all come together one day and i know i will see you better because i believe in you and i'll be there for you without you being here where i am and i know i will always and i will never stop for anything to get to you you write brilliant music that will go down in history and if in case it will burn in flames you know that nothing can extinguish it you know that you are the one to be spitting on your angusih and don't ever get off stage cos you have found your place for i know you are at peace when you play burn my ticket and last swell you rock out you go and never stop for anything forever........................................................................................................(reaction end transmi ss ion)

*falling for the fall*

april24th,12:27am> i am returning to fall with the last swell. i was looking at numbness' webbie earlier like a few minutes ago and i realised my pictures are only on one of the dates. the rest of the pictures had everybody in it and they looked like they were having fun. i think they were. i'm thinking and trying to figure out where the hell was i? i know on good friday i was working so i guess that's okay. oh well. today was a pretty day filled with pretty people and a pretty lil' sunshine. she makes me wanna sigh. i had one of the best lattes ever in the history of my coffee drinking lifetime. before that i watched taxi2 with sunny and we had fun...i hoped. well..did we? i'm thinking that i should try and learn french because of the fact that it sounds really complex. haha. i love return to fall. they make me wanna smoke ciggys and drink lattes while watching the rain crash on my windows. yep.

*losing breath*

april23rd,1:30am> whatever

*ernst*

april22nd,1:35am> i was in the middle of sleep when i was awoken by a dream. i am still crying and i can't seem to stop. nobody would know why because i don't have the slightest idea either. goodnight.

*swap me for a heart*

april21st,4:48am> [comrades 31/10]...yeah. it's definately getting harder,isn't it? sometimes you have no idea how you are going to face the day knowing that your heart is still bleeding and somehow you can feel this ache that just won't stop. not even for a breath. i know how it feels. been there and currently it's on hold. and i guess i just got lucky. but my comrades can't be hurting like this. it's funny but it aches just as much. but the thing is, knowing that you are actually doing something about it, is comforting. but the process...yeah..i understand the process. you have to pull the knives out from your chest and being very careful so as not to take your heart out with it. it's a delicate process but then again that is what it's all about. it's just a process. day by day my lovelies. breath by breath. it's hard but then again i'm still here like i've always been. and i'm not going anywhere and that i promise you. sometimes i feel like getting down on my knees begging for you to get better but i understand it is not as simple as that. it's not like flipping a light switch. but i just can't see you there no more. that same square that all of us hate being in. that stagnant,monotonous zone. got to get out of the box. come on. and i guess the only reason why i would cry is because of you. am i just forcing it? maybe. but i can't bear to see you on your knees anymore. the most overused term in the whole world will not carry us through this. i love you guys. you are like family. just hang in there. this day will get better. i promise you. i promise you. to my dearest hashish,the unfall,numbness and beatnik..i love you as much as anybody can love another human being. let's get through this together for i believe this day will get better.

*insider score*

april20th,1;13am> the wheather can't make up it's mind. i'm sure it wants to rain but it keeps holding something back. oh well. can't make it rain all the time,you know? i met up with hashish and beatnik for lunch today and it was pretty nice. beatnik made marchtwelve stickers and it was awesome. effort yah? i hope you are not that mad about that incident at spinellis bro. let them think what they wanna think about us. we know better. we are after all, just a bunch of smart,hardworking punk rock kids anyway. i had trouble writing out my essay which was due a couple of days ago but i'm just taking my time with cos there is no rush. it's like my artist's intent. like what i wanna do in the future and all that kind of stuff. i mean, i guess i know what i wanna do but have no idea on how to get there. i'm a ignorant bastard, i know. don't worry beatnik, i am gonna get it done. thanks to you, i'll try not to slack around too much.i have jimmy eat world eating up the atmosphere. i feel like i should be doing something of importance right now like write a song or finish up on the essay but my head can't function right. it's this whole post-sickness thing that i'm having. don't you guys just hate that feeling? you know when you're getting better from the flu and you feel so much better but your head is spinning and your eyes are tearing up? i don't know. i may be the only guy who gets that but i guess it's okay. fik didn't show up for work today and the superiors thought that he was missing in action. i love it when natasha sents me this really nice messages and i hope she won't stop giving. i guess the only reason why i don't reply to her messages is because i can't think up of anything sweeter than what has already been said. or maybe i'm just dumb. well anyway. i miss my sunshine and i hope to see her later. hope she's okay cos just like me, she too had the flu. i miss my friends.

*mayday hooray*

april18th,2:52pm> i'm at home with the flu and so is sunshine. hope she's okay. my mum is asleep on my bed and braid is rocking out my whole entire room. my space looks neater now since the day i straightened it all up. everything is in the right place. my cds and books look really nice all neat and stuff, uh huh. i wonder what amran is doing because i haven't seen him in a long time. hope he's doing okay and i know he's been keeping himself busy with school and all that and that's good. at least he's not letting the circumstances get to him. i wonder what dewi,sham and joseph had for lunch. i hope they are okay, too. none of them knows that i'm at home nursing a cold. and i guess that's okay. they are probably keeping themselves surrounded with work and school. i'm kinda bored and i know i should start on my art history essay but this big part of me wants to finish up on the zine. i don't know. flip a coin? heads or tails? you choose. geez. my throat hurts and my eyes are playing tricks. i don't really want to touch on the important things right now because i do have a reaction. but the thing is it's wearing itself out and it's not because of the sun or anything like that. maybe i'm physically and mentally exhausted and that's why. i can react to you but then again you have no idea what i'm thinking. you have no idea. so fill this space up with an idea and in the end if that will fade away you know what to do. don't stop with that. don't let these circumstances defeat you. cos that's what they are. circumstances and that's it. nothing else. it doesn't take much strength people. you just have to keep on breathing. so do do that voodoo that you do so well. keep it on and not off. i'm not telling you what to do but i guess you do need a screaming at. so scream i shall but only for you. scream.

*jumping over buildings*

april18th,1:52am> i believe i can fly. i really do. hey natasha! thanks for the pic. sweet! and fik? you reading this? i'm sorry i didn't tell you my webbie addie cos i don't think anybody would wanna read whatever it is i have to say so i guess..yeah..i'm sorry. you guys make really good best friends. miss you both. hey sunshine...i don't think you read my diary anyway but i won't be surprised if you did. i miss you. thinking about you as we speak. and as i sleep. i feel this life is getting pretty stagnant and sometimes i just feel like busting out from the cage. what you guys think? what do you think we can do to make our lives better than before? i am starting to love again and it's freaking me out. tell me if it's the right thing to do please? you can lie. i won't mind. let me hear what it is i want to hear. yes farizwan, you can love again. like i would care whatever it is you have to say. i will love again because i refuse to let the truth take control. i can change the truth if i want to and i will. i will damn it. i refuse to sit alone in rooms and hear the saddest songs. i refuse to cry myself to sleep thinking about what ifs and the questions that accompanied every tear that i had. i gave all my love to give and i won't stop giving. i refuse to stop. i refuse to back down. it's time to take it back. it's either that or just be dead and i will not sink so low as to die. i refuse to slit the wrists. it's time to take it all back. it is time to jump over the buildings and land on my own two feet. the sunshine is shining and i'm taking it all in.

*pointguard*

april18th,1:39am> i'm sick cos i have a cold. pointless to be happy now if comrades such as him who laughs on the outside is killing himself on the inside. you have a choice so go and pick one. don't rub your nose in somebody else's dirt. you can't do stuff like that. stop killing yourself because i do not want you to die. you may not know how this reaction works so figure out the code. figure out the code and do not fade away. do not burn yourself out because i know you do not need this so why settle for this life when you have a choice. we do have a choice you know. big picture. fullstop. nothing else counts. nothing else can. pick the multiple choice madness. i dare you. i dare you to laugh inside without hesitating. know yourself to know what you're dealing with. it matters. whatever it is you're killing yourself with. i will gladly taste the knive. i will gladly taste your weapon of destruction. if i could trade places, i would. i would wish for your life to end so you can start a new one. you are my pointguard. don't break it. don't break it now. not over your knee. stop the noise without the beating up of your own reflection. your heart deserves a break and some air. leave room for your aching heart to heal. and it will. faith baby. faith. that's all you need. now go get some.

*uniform*

april16th,3:12pm> will be watching a movie with me sunshine at about 4:25pm. she's right beside me looking all cute and stuff. muakz! are you laughing,dear? will be watching that anti-trust thingee. i hope that she's not gonna be all bored cos i would really like a second date. i think that she's freaking out. but that's ok cos it's the truth anyway. you alright? as for me, i can't believe i'm actually doing this infront of her eyes. she's giggling her head off and i have no idea why. knowing her, she won't tell me what is wrong or right or whatever. she's all mysterious aren't you sunny? so tell me what you are thinking? see? she doesn't know. why do i find that surprising?(sense the sarcasm). anyway, sunshine...if you're having a good time..look at me in the eyes and tell me you're having a good time. wow! she said it! man!!!she is sweeping me off my feet. you are, you know? i can't walk right anymore. damn. why are you still giggling? hey..you hungry? thirsty? alrightie then. let's go check me mail.

*walk the fields*

april16th,1:40am> i wonder if my hashish is doin alright. i'm praying for him. don't lose hope bro. cos i guess hope is the only thing that we all need right now. today was a pretty good day. sunshine kept my head busy and i was practically glowing. goodie goodie. i cleaned up the cobwebs on my cloud nine. haven't been visiting in a long while. it still looks the same. the t.v is still intact and the radio is still playing "the last in 4000". sometimes i wonder why the deejay won't play anything else different but then again i wouldn't want the song to end anyway. cloud nine seems like a good place to stay and i would love to live here until i can't afford the rent anymore. but right now i feel like a million bucks. i hope you're having the sweetest dreams dear. you put the sun to shame.

*here we go again*

april15th,2:33am> square one is gone. the butterflies are flying again. i have a pretty good feeling this one is gonna turn out okay but i have seen for myself how that feeling can turn out to be a fluke. but better to try than not to even make an attempt. i have a cold and i may be sick but the sun has never shined this hard in a long time. ring the bell.

*later*

april13th,friday> i'm looking at my room at thinking how messy it is. i really should start doing some cleaning up or whatever. a good working space is essential and if i do want to produce any good work. my zine is behind schedule but i'm still hoping that i can put it out by the end of this month which is april. duh. i skipped afternoon classes today and wen to meet dewi and sham instead for a ciggy. sham went off later because he had to work. so me and dewi went off to wilkie to ask the guy who owns the digicam whether if she cousld borrow the thing over the weekend and the guy said and dewi was realy happy. we then went off to kino for a cup of coffee and a small cute cup of ice choco. dewi took some brilliant pics with the cam and i took bullshit. it never comes out right anyway. and after that me and dewi went to centrepoint to purchase tickets for the film fest thing but none of it was for me. it was for dewi and her boyfriend,pul. it was rated ra anyway and i won't be turning 21 until in may so bah humbug. after that she went off to the salley while i went off to work.work was pretty chaotic cos the next day's gonna be holiday. you wouldn't believe the crowd who would actually step into the place that i work at. i'm working at borders anyway and if any of you have no idea where that is, tough luck. smile!i really badly want to clean up my room but then again i'm just plain lazy. i saw some really nice holders where you can file out your runaway letters that are strewn all over. and oh yeah, whatever else too. i feel like watching a movie later so we'll see. i know that you don't really care anyway. whatever, because i'm not in any way fit to do this right now. i need sleep.i'll give an ending to this one later.

*under shelter knives piercing through*

april12th,1:33am> she didn't call like she said she would. it was expected but then again why am i so surprised? it's funny these days when half of the time i have no idea what i'm feeling. i really needed my friends to be there today but the timing was so much against me. like everything else. i need someone to kiss me. just a little one like a peck or whatever. i need someone to talk to me and tell me that i'm worth it. but i'm so convinced that i'm not. you can't tell me otherwise. especially after all that has happened. i'm burying myself in your books. in sleep i dream of today. i can't escape from anything. not from the knives nor the bullets nor the heartbreak. it seems pointless to try to live like a king when you are nothing but nothing. hold me and whisper comfort into my ear. please. today seemed to have broken me into two and i know tomorrow will not be any different. i can't seem to put my finger on the exact problem but all i know is the more i try to pretend that everything is okay, the more alone i feel. i can't fight a battle that i know that can't be won. so why should i get up everyday, bringing out my heart along for the ride when at the end of anyday and everyday, nothing good will come out? it's ridiculous to the point where it actually makes me laugh. and i do laugh out loud and that is most probably what you see. the thing is, i try to put myself in your shoes and trying my darnest to actually figure you all out but i can't. i just can't. it's not as if i haven't tried. and i'm so tired of being lost. and i still have yet to find myself and i'm just taking too much time. and sometimes i'm wishing that this time will just end.

*before we do*

april11th,1:32am still> i can't feel you tonight like how we did the first time we burn with the midnight crowd staring at our hearts neon flashes flashing dancing around our heads and yours pretty with our stilled bodies looking up forward and reverse promising to write back as soon as this ink starts bleeding let it slip away

*i need a door to know that there is an option*

april11th,12:32am> i couldn't paint today in class because of the fact that there was something bothering me and i had no idea what. i really couldn't put my finger on it. only if i had known what hit me that hard. have you ever had that kind of feeling? anyway, yesterday's over and i'm feeling oh, so normal. it's funny when you think you are over something only to find out you are not. it's absolutely hilarous. right now, i might not feel a thing but maybe when i wake up later, if i wake up that is, everything's gonna be all shitty and the same again. it's hard not to be able to control whatever it is that i am feeling. saw amran's pitas page a while ago. finally. now all my buddies have one. brilliant. i am hoping that dewi won't get so stressed out again. foul, yes? there's pretty much nothing you can do but to do it,you know? of course you do. they are the idiots anyway. i have no idea why they go to school since it seems that you are the only one doing all the work. i am wishing that there is something i can do to help. well? is there? missing joseph since i haven't since him for the past 72 hours. i just realised today on how much i love my friends. they are like my brothers and sister(note singular.)i love them to death. there's pretty much nothing i wouldn't do for them. i'm feeling good all of a sudden. goddamn the situation. i'm waiting for this girl to give me a call back but i doubt that she ever will. oh well, there's always sleep.

*filth*

april10th,12:43am> giving it all up because i am all fresh out. i'm not asking for any attention so stop whatever it is you're doing. i've been lying to myself and i hate that. i might as well just stop breathing. whatever. trigger pulling juliets walked the street tonight. they had bullets up to here. up to my head. i swear they were taking aim. they kept looking between my eyes. yesterday one of she came by with a machine gun killing me to sleep without even looking at me. it hurts nice. it hurts real good. my mum sat me down today telling me that i should fight for the one i love. i couldn't take it anymore so i left. i've been trying to do the right thing when all i've been doing is nothing. i couldn't believe today but at least i'm getting good at pretending. just keep on smiling. just pretend you are nothing. pretend that you are nothing. pretend that i am nothing. pretend that i am nothing. i am spit. i am filth. i am the pavement. now keep repeating that over and over again and before you know it, you'll think it's true. look at me, i think it's true. i mean, i know it's true and that's probably the only truth i know.

*i will want to destroy myself*

april7th,4:10am> i'm at hafizd's place cos i wanted to check out dewi's pitas page. haven't heard from her for so long. i mean in the pitas sense,of course. i miss her. i miss joseph although i did see him about an hour ago for supper. met sham too and the rest of the guys. only for a short while. will be jamming later with marchtwelve. can't wait. i need to get some things off my chest. off my back. off the cliff and onto the pavement. i'm not gonna let it burn me. can't really say what because i'm not in the mood. and i'm not in the mood for this now. so go ahead. shoot me. pull the trigger. somebody. hello? goodbye.

*ironman*

april6th,12:50am> for goodness sake. turn down the volume. your silence is deafening and i am so stoned out. i feel like i've changed in a certain way. for example, i don't really feel the need to look for love anymore. i have no idea why, though. my head is probably saying,"what's the point anyway?" and i say exactly. i'm gonna die alone anyway, right? i swear the floor is gonna eat me up. visiting hours end. get out.

*earth the fire*

april5th,2:01am> i am exhausted from today and i should really be in bed but then again i don't really see the point. i am wishing to be splashing her with gasoline so i can light her up like a matchstick. she'll probably be burning and screaming and trying to find something to put the damn thing out and i'll be there, all ready with my truckload full of gasoline. whatever. i keep losing myself these days and half of the time i have no idea where i am at. i still have these memories on my walls and in a shoebox and it's gonna be eating me up alive. sooner than later. sooner they hope. i am so tired of this beast that controls my insides and out eventually. and yes beatnik, i am sick of the things that we are feeling everyday. everytime we step out to face the world, the world just keeps beating us up and putting us back in place. i hate that. and i hate myself for letting that happen. but then again, they are messing with the wrong crowd, you know? i'm sure you do. don't rush it beatnik cos you ain't gonna do anybody good if you do. take your time. keep breathing. keep living. keep being you and everything will work itself out. you have your whole life in getting to the place that you want to be. patience is a virtue. take it slow, bro. and everything else will be a rush.

*i keep trying for you*

april3rd,11:55pm>i guess i should retire to bed pretty early today because of the fact that i don't want to be late for school anymore. slacking was fun until you find yourself in deeper trouble than usual. i am nursing a zit that as big as the earth on my forehead. it is so big that i have decided to give it a name. what you guys think of herb? herb the zit. yep. has a nice ring to it, don't you think? met up with the guys today and i had fun as always. i am wondering whether if numbness is okay or not and knowing her she would have written what's going on in her head on her diary but then again as of right now, i can't get into her site. so whatever it is, i hope you're gonna be okay. don't let the bastards get you down. and to my dearest beatnik, i'm glad everything is alright and that you're still sane. i'm doing better myself and i would love to watch a movie with the rest of the guys just as much as i love watching movies alone. hopefully we'll be able to do that one day. and to hashish, don't worry about nothing. i got your back. just take a deep breath and look at the bigger picture. do what you need to do, bro and i'll be right behind you. i love my friends.

*taking its wear*

april3rd,12:26am> screaming infidelities is screaming out of my stereo. it is as deafening as silence in an empty room. i didn't go for my date today because i knew i wasn't up to it. i am not ready nor able to move on. it is something that i have to deal with, i know. i couldn't care less now and i have no idea if that is for the better or not. i say whatever when something inside is just screaming out. i don't know if i'm dead or alive these days. all good songs end too soon. you guys noticed? i got back my "before sunrise" tape but it's like stuck inside the damn vcr. i hope it's not gonna be stuck there forever. damn technology. they will kill us all. i can see the structure and it's gonna fall on our heads. i take shelter under wings of lost angels that walks on ordinary shoes. i am not making sense i know but then again, why should i? why should anything make sense and who the hell are we to say that "here.this is normal and that makes sense." who invented sense anywhere? we are all gonna fall because of our own doing and nobody knows it better than everybody else. but they still hide behind their vehicles and let it rip on nature. mankind has done nothing good for centuries expect killing themselves with convenience. ultimately, everything will go and disappear on convenience. how convenient is that? what a trip. what a ride. what a show.

*one through 22*

april2nd,12:38am> this day keeps getting stranger and i'm doing anything i can to make myself as happy as i can be. i've always tried to do the right thing in any circumstances and i figure that in trying to make myself smile again will be the right thing to do. a lot of dust has settled and i'm feeling so much better now. so much better. so we'll see what's gonna happen next. whatever.

*the heart is a liar and so are the rest*

march31st,5:14am> i have a heart that keeps me alive but at the same time, keeps lying to me. but i have to act upon a voice and it's funny how the heart always screams out and the mind just whisper nothings. my heart has been good to me although i've been screwed so many times by listening to that voice. that voice that keeps screaming. that voice that won't give up. but i love my heart for the fact that it has been the only thing that has been keeping me sane,as contradictory as it may seem. i love the way how it leads me to the most punishing roads and to the most sharpest knives. i love the way how it keeps beating me up just to pull me back up again. and the thing is, even when i know that my heart is lying through its teeth, i will never,ever shut my ears to those screams. for what doesn't kill me will only make me stronger. dear hashish, don't stop listening to your heart because your heart is a part of you and that part of you is the only thing that's keeping it together. not your head or anybody else. don't deny yourself of anything because you know you deserve better. you do, bro. you know that. welcome home. don't stay too long.

*numhasnik*

march30th,1:29am> i have a headache and i haven't seen the world for a few minutes. i am deciding against in buying a new heart cos i figured i'm just gonna keep the one i have now and work on that. i'd rather save that heart in the window for somebody else. somebody who needs it more than me. i can name a handful right now. as a matter of fact,do you want to see my list? of course you do but i'm not gonna cos i'd rather put names of people i love right here than the names of the people that i so much abhor. i'm caving in soon. will it hurt?

*words that meant nothing*

march28th,1:29am> it looks as though it's gonna rain. the wind is definately picking up but it is still a bit warm from where i'm sitting at. these love songs keep playing on the radio and i'm shutting myself down until the whole thing is over. i guess i'm getting there, you know? i'm breathing a lot easier than before and that's refreshing. i miss writing on my lil notebook so much and probably i guess i will get on it sooner or later or whenever. my hair needs a trim cos it feels so way out of control or something like that. the wind is definately picking up. i breathe easier when it starts raining. was that air?

*the function of the fool*

march27th,1:52am> i am nursing a headache. it's making my eyes go all red. oh wait a sec. that's something else. i am burning out so fast that it's freaking me out. i have no idea what i should be doin with myself right now. have no clue whatsoever. i'm not really lost anymore cos i am so used to this lil square that i am in. it's like home. it keeps me in balance. it keeps me in check. i have books on my shelves and 5 bucks in my pocket and 9 sticks of ciggys. and later will be another day. oh what fun this will be. my eyes are going all red again. my excuse is your lie. what's yours?

*i am all out*

march26th,1:29am> i had a blast at practice today and had tons of fun and now i'm back here again. same seat same place every night. there are no stars tonight and the moon is hiding itself behind these clouds. i'm thinking that it's going to rain sooner than later and i just can't wait. i'm tired but i can't fall asleep just yet. it's funny when you start to love someone again and they do something to piss you off. it's funny that it will only get cold on the days when i don't bring my sweater out. it's funny to know what i know and do absolutely nothing about it. and my guess is, tommorrow will be just like any other day. so why should i wake up from sleep if the situation will always be the same?

*human again*

march25,1:49am> the days are getting better. where do i get off?

*acme*

march23rd,1;57am> i'll be 21 in a couple of months and do you know? i'm a tool. an everyday tool. i can't fit myself in a box but i'm handy. i have a forehead with the words "use me" in bold red. i can't see it but they can. and i'm not a perfect tool but i'll try my best to fix those loose screws and those damn faulty wirings and stuff. they all live in the same house under the same roof. i will rot in the storage room waiting for the next thing. but i'm not a swiss army knive. i don't understand those things sometimes. i'm not 8 or 9 tools in one. i'm just a tool. i am handy. but i'll be 21 in a couple of months and i'm getting old. someday, they'll forget about me and not use me anymore. someday i'll be all rusty and hazardous. until then, i'm having the time of my life.

*iron on heart on my sleeves*

march22nd,1:25am> the line across my wrists are fading off again. well, let em. i am tired.

*the saddest day*

march21st,1:28am> dear dewi...everyday when i wake up, i'll get all excited and stuff thinking about the hours that's gonna come and at the end of it all, it's all gonna be the same. i've never felt so despicably alone ever. and it hurts to know what i know and if i could unlearn what i've learnt,i would. the days are tying me down and it's beating me to a pulp. it has it's claws in me. they are on my face and it's scratching my skin so i won't stop bleeding. that's what i dream about. and that's what i'm living in. and i know that someday i'll be okay and all alright again but why is it taking so damn long? that is why i am grateful to have people like you,sham,amran and joseph in my life. you have no idea how much. sometimes i feel you guys are the ones who's doing the breathing for me and for that i thank you. thanks for being there and being my strength. i know you guys won't let me fall apart and believe me, i will do whatever it takes to get it all together. whatever it takes because i believe in the fact that everything will get better. it has to.(love you guys even in my sleep)

*dear beatnik*

march20th,12:05am> sometimes the best revenge is to keep on breathing and i know we aren't good actors and i'm not asking you to pretend. but for the love of god, stay strong. and don't ever forget that whenever you think you are alone, i'm right there infront of you rowing the same boat. we may hit the rocks and may go over waterfalls but i'm never gonna lose this grip on you. if we fall, we will hit the cement together but i will do whatever it takes to keep this machine running. and i want you right there beside me. promise me that you will do whatever it takes too. hand in hand, bro. nobody's gonna take us down. nobody. you just have got to keep breathing, have faith and this storm will blow over. trust me. trust me.

*give me another*

march19th,11:50pm> tonight i found out that following my heart can lead you back to the same square and that convenience has a price and that i should probably get this line on my wrist tattooed or something. the damn thing keeps fading.

*ending*

march19th,12:46am> i had lines drawn in ink across my wrists for future reference. if i'm gonna cut it, might as well do it right.

*give me rope*

march18th,2:01am> i am giving up.

*in defeat*

march16th,1:39am> this day it's getting harder by the minute. it's getting harder to breathe, it's getting harder to move, it's getting harder to love and it's getting harder for anything to form into a light at the end of this tunnel. might as well cut the cord.

*double starry eyed latte*

march15th,2:20am> try harder to impress me which i know you wouldn't want to do because i am nothing to nowhere. security is paid for and so is my ride. ferris wheels beat roller coaster rides anyday and anyday now i'll be gone. you laugh while you dance the night away from everything. no knowledge no mistakes, you think?my shoes are off the floor but not me no it's never me. you have fun up there ok? i'll just stay here and bore myself in my own pool of the same squares and spilt milk. it's fun if you know how. it's always fun if you know how. and we all know how now don't we? just don't stop whatever it is you're doing now. you're doing a great job. but hey, am i not already dead?

*this rest is screaming*

march14th,2:00am> wake me up when these autumn leaves fall on your eyes or just let me sleep (again) and i won't dream of broken wings that bears your everything. you seem to have forgotten that i was ever here.this night is my time to go.this night is my time to learn that nothing has been the same since you left. i'm in a daze and under fire. and under fire i am melting in your arms but that was once before. past tense and past like the slowrushing hour. i can only get down on my knees for the thousandth time and i'm all bruised but you wouldn't need to know why. i know you don't care and that's comforting because at least i know that and that alone is all i need. probably. most comforting so be still my heart. for this heart is gone and so you break and crash. remain on floors for that's where you belong. that's where you need to be. i have the view of a drowning man. the view of a broken man. the view of life as it is to me. and in the meantime,this rest is screaming.

*slowrushing progress*

march13,12:05> a dear friend once told me that the only reason why i feel this lonely is because that i let it bother me too much and i should stop giving it my time. but not a day goes by when this scream have gone without a voice. not a day goes by when i don't think about her and her and her. my dear friend must have mistaken me for somebody with such great strength and faith when i have nothing on my side and on my way. i can't go on anymore without not knowing. too much information and too many little things to make me lose my balance. i haven't had it all figured out just like i thought i did and i'm tired from walking on broken glass. it has been a downhill ride and there's nothing i can do to stop.

*the birth*

march12,12:34am> when you have lasted this long you wouldn't know how much you can love a certain thing at a certain time. i stand in a corner with this wall of noise letting me realise that i can be whatever i can be without questioning myself and that is freedom in a way. nothing can touch this. not now. not in a while. i have you and you and you and you and all this bottled up emotions that will pop only on our command. we'll come around sooner than later. in the meantime,happy birthday. marchtwelve.

*the obvious*

march11,1:01am> speak to me like i'm listening and you'll know why i can't get enough. of you and everything else. draw the curtains to a close for everything is about to end in a manner that seems as right as this love. this belief,this faith and this us as one. will you stand still for a second and listen to me scream from the top of my lungs to the bottom of this heart? hold me dear and don't dare to let me go even if this wings on my back seems to make you think otherwise. cut me dry and all will be well. will you not give me all of you on this night of running after papercuts after papercuts? don't let me go. not now not this time and not before every after kiss, blessed with your touch. but if you do, let me know how much i love you even if you pretend to be the actress and not know. i am sorry for not being able to state the obvious for the obvious is the end. the curtains will close and i will leave with broken wings in hand. and you will never know. my heart bleeds your name. my heart bleeds your name. my heart bleeds your name.

*the sun sets in her eyes*

march9,1:25am> can't trust myself anymore and so who should i turn to now? you give kisses like you do with me as and what it is as nothing special. i dream of beautiful days like this to evolve into nothing. contradiction seems to be the nearest to your little speech of me being predictable as bad wheather. alright now. let's travel to the nearest star and camp out in it's cave. escaping kinetic souls of outer space. they could have seen us leave now could they? but all seems like hush even when the liquid bullets are crying from skies. they'll never know where we were i can bet. they'll never know how stardust are actually a product made out of automated effiency of animated depression. but we'll know. and that still will say nothing. let the sun set dear. she deserve it.

*this time i'm trying to make sense*

march08,2:18am> have strength and all will be well than yesterday or maybe two minutes before. have faith and kisses that has been blown will return to us without haste. do you have faith? i have faith and although i don't have that much in me i know that you have the same amount of faith for me as much as i do. that equals strength and that equals breath. you make my breathing a lot easier and for that i thank you. to my dearest comrades,joseph,dewi,sham and amran. have strength. love, farizwan.

*someday we'll bloom into an ocean*

march7th,3:03am>i need to crumble onto a shore and love her like my own but sometimes when it's too late to figure it all out,i'll be at another losing end. when you know that the right thing to do will destroy you and crush you,why do you even bother? she doesn't hesitate to watch me,my head to my knees on the floor looking down at the soil. she loves another i know and what should i have done? i could pretend to be the less wiser but then, knowing what i know, i can't. damn you. i love you. maybe someday the grass will turn blue and maybe someday you'll say you miss me too.

*forgiving is forgetting*

march6th,12:37am>a promise broken by my own hand. i've been running in circles and it's getting to me and i'm tired. exhausted. terrified of what i might become if i continue riding the bullet that i try my very best to run away from. it's time to get off. you know how it is with me. why didn't you tell me? why must you be the enemy when i can't stand the sight of me than this sight(side) of you? to admit that i need you is to admit defeat and that in itself is a victory. i need you to use me because that's the only thing that's keeping me alive. surely most of the time i am all sucked out of me in the end but that has been the case for as long as i could remember. i need to move on and i need you to inflict me to do that. i have no discipline and no strength. your lies are the opposite of me and this opposite of me is what i love. i will give you all i have to you every minute of today and every second of tonight. it's relentless but that's what i need and that's what i want. it's time to get off the bullet that's going for so many of your heads. i'll change it's direction to the infinite and i'll get off okay? i promise. i can't hate you anymore for if i do, i will only hate myself and i'm killing myself. i've been going through this all alone,all this time and i know that now. you have no idea how much i know.it's time to accept the fact that i've never been and never will be as important to you as how you are important to me. call me a sucker if you want to. a sucker to your happy endings. and i'm okay with that. really. i'll give you all i have for that smile. giving up the enemies. giving up the fight that can never be won. hate the end. crush the bullet. it's time to get off. (hey sham. don't worry about me. you have my love and support,bro. hang in there and keep breathing. take care.)

*take a crawl*

march5th,1:45am>i am so sorry to have let you down all this time around and again. you can't face disappointments such as this such as me. i can smell the rain from here and is sweet just because it's the opposite the one that is kneeling before you. my trigger finger itching to blow myself to bits and pieces and to everything smaller than filth. i feel smaller than anything. than anybody and everybody else. i know how much you hurt for i wish to be in your shoes right now right here,now. it doesn't matter from which perspective you're looking down at me from. i'm all the same. i have soil on my feet and soil in my eyes and tears at the end of my fingertips. how convenient is that? now how connvenient am i? questions that keep blowing kisses at my and this and that direction without my sight unseen. knives in these eyes. question. why don't i just take that jump and save everybody else the trouble? it doesn't take a genius to know that i'm not a loss to any cause if i die when all i can do is nothing for you. and nothing for me. and nothin in general. and in general i am just that. nothing. nothing. nothing. questions?

*leaving myself behind*

march4th,1:37am>it shouldn't have turned out to be this way. where nothing seems to make sense. everything is falling apart but seems to be coming together. i don't need to breathe to know what i already know if everything seems pointless as it is. you have no idea who i am so stop trying to figure me out. you don't know how it is to have so much love spent on other people and then finding out you have nothing for yourself. you don't know me like i do so stop saying that you know how i feel cos you don't. i'm leaving myself behind this time and next time and time's all spent. gone and wasted like me. you love me like spit. say i do before i start bleeding on carpets in houses where i don't belong. i know i don't belong. i know that now. nobody needs a somebody like me. and i don't need a somebody like me. a bullet will taste so good right now. it will melt like butter and i'm crushed. all fresh out. i love you too much to let myself go. i can't love you anymore if i need to know to keep this alive. this is me and i'm all down on my knees. love me please. not later. not now. not ever. i've lost myself and it's all good. everything's all good isn't it? you take my breathe away my dear. don't pretend anymore. you know you don't want to so why even bother with somebody who can't think straight as of now. i can't speak out truth when all i know are lies. maybe i will get to where i want to before i die and maybe that's what i'm worth right now. dead. unlearning the learnt is wasted since confusion strikes back harder than fist on walls of me. i don't make sense and neither as i as a whole. it just doesn't make sense. it just doesn't.

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