*jimmy eat dumb world*
june1st,1:41am>do you have the feeling that the world is just getting dumber? well, do you? i mean i know i'm not getting smarter, that i know. but damn it. why are people so dumb and cruel and so full of shit? in an ideal world, well...whatever. i won't even get into that. i just hope this island will fucking understand that it is alright to be yourself. anyway, had coffee with sunshine and hashish and the devil and allison and i finally saw numbness and derby outside borders and (to numbness) the reason why i smoked two ciggies was cos i missed you guys much and was so happy to finally get to talk to you two...after a long while. i mean we did meet up a couple of times before but never really had a conversation and i guess just now was like the first after a long time. shoot. soybombs' in aussie i think. hope he'll have fun.
*birthdaze*
may30th,10:29pm>excellent day. thanks to all the wonderful people who wished me happy birthday. i got presents! i got an indierocking wristband from hashish and the devilwoman(nope...they are not married),i got a discman from me family,a perfume plus shaver plus small notebook from me bro and an adidas bag from my sunshine. i got a d.i.y birthday note from my brother that says,".......the most important thing you must remember is that these things will not last forever and like you will one day outgrow their warranty and use, shrivel and die." how positive. and my sister gave me a note that made me cry. damn. what a birthday. happy 21st birthday to me. yay!
*twenty~one and rising higher*
may30th,1:25am>the sunset boys will be leaving for n.z tomorrow for about 10 days or so. i wish them fun and silly putty. they will be rocking out and all and i wish that i can be there. oh yeah...it's my birthday today and i'm like 21 or something. yeah. i'm 21. spent the day with joe and sham and natasha and allison and liz so that was cool. i think i got drunk today which wasn't really a pleasant experience. i don't think i regret the whole thing cos after all it was in the midst of good friends, you know? thanks guys. you are the bestest. i'll be having breakfast with my baby later so have to go sleep now. i miss her so.
*circum~stance*
29thmay,1:21pm>
how bold can we be before them masters
standing on higher ground
i can bring them down
i know
i can bring them down
do you have faith in me bringing them down
we lose our way to today
and when shall we put bullets back inside these pages
historians crumble on facts that we make
historians crumble on facts that we invent
and invent
and invent
do we cease to exist just because of circumstances
let's hope
not for everything to be nothing
anymore
where masks are second skin
they are not overcoming their fear
they are becoming their fear
they are their own doing
shall i replace you with one of ours?
forever?
forever?
forever
*insight*
may29th,1:25am>
summer leaves instill us as we dance through bedrooms
our thoughts.....a distraction from bigger things
and everything else
we sleep and forget
it crumbles without intent of starting over
i can still hear you breathe
and i can't wait to hear you speak
for this day still have yet to end.
*g love and special sauce*
may29th,1:18am> today was me and my baby day. had fun. had coffee and window shopped for nice clothes. the wheather was awesome. i wish it can be like this everyday. didn't manage to read much but will try to finish the book before bedtime. i'll be spending the day with the guys later. will look forward to that. i cleaned up my hamster's cage and it smells nice now.
see ya all later.
*breathing in honesty*
may28th,1:57am>some may not know this and others may not care but i have two kinds of journal. the first one would be what you are reading right now and the other one is in a book form. i decided to take off a piece of what i wrote in the book when i was on the train ride home just because,just because."27thmay2001,9:43pm-on the train ride home. had drinks with the guys after going down to the singapore expo to check out the graduation show. dewi is finally done with school and i'm really happy for her and i guess she's happy,too. it was really good to see her and pul today. i missed them terribly. damn, i forgot to bring back that fine art book thingee. oh well. i feel as though i'm burning myself out. and when i thought i've got nothing left to give. damn. it's hot in this here train. i'm at marina bay. have a few minutes before this bullet bounces back home. all the way to marsiling. 45 minutes or so. i've been thinking too much and i'm heating up. my brain aches for relief. i am an insecure lil bastard...much more than a few years ago. i don't know why. it's hard to accept the fact sometimes. i'm mostly in denial. i have nothing to give to people..that's one of the facts i know. i can't handle the truth and i guess i'm just not strong enough..yeah. i guess. baby thought me about the wishing stick and i did make a wish today. i was wishing that i didn't have to be this way. damnnit. i have no pride,no values...and i don't even know where i am most of the time. i don't have a role joseph. i don't. oh great. my shirt smells of ciggies and s-eleven. i tried to snap out of it but i can't. may they forgive me if they know what's going on inside my head. but i am having trouble forgiving myself. my flaws. my lack of substance. with zero personality to match. man. i hate myself so much right now. oh. the train is finally moving. 45 minutes more and i'll be home. have to look for that bag for sham later when i reach home. IF i reach home that is." i love you guys. more than you'll ever know. good night.
*spell relief*
may27th,1:07am>i spent the day walking on my shadow reliving everything from its weight. everything from itself. and everything else from me.
*pagetwoninefive*
may26th,5:43am>i seek shelter i seek shelter under rocks under dirt under filth everything is passing me by like i am NOTHING and they think otherwise when i think how do i fit in this little plan of yours don't you dare use that tone on me don't you dare use that tone on me don't you fucking dare because you assume i have no idea you know i know you think i am NOTHING and i know how much nothing is look at my reflection they tell good stories that can put you to sleep so don't you dare use that tone on me you can pour your heart out and i will put it back in it's place in it's bottle you think i don't know you you think i don't know you you think i don't know you i don't fit in with your little scheme brainstorms and such so where do i stand with you where do i stand where do i crawl with you when you seem so much taller i have nothing from you so give me back my apologies do i kneel to know you when you use that tone on me how dare you use that tone on me how dare you use that tone on me how dare you use that tone on me when my sunshine is burning me you have to make today seemed twisted and so full of your tounges and so full of contempt for me you use that tone again i can hear it in your breath it cuts through the air like it's nothing how dare you use that tone on me how dare you HOW DARE YOU.
*kneelerist*
may26th,5:27am> i wanted to put something in before this day becomes official. before this day becomes a cycle. before this day puts me to sleep. before this day swallows me whole. before this day turns everything around. before this day beats me to a pulp. before this day pulls the trigger. before this day, before you. i am running all on heart now.
*concrete taste*
may25th,2:26am>the speed of days that has no mercy/ this time it's the rage so get your boots on/ we can call it even if you want to/ but how does it feel when the air is pounding through your skin/ exhale before the inhale of such/ before such as this/ can you tell me the time/ the concrete has made me lose my way/ this concrete has made me lose today
*jazzing up*
may25th,1:56am>had an excellent day. spent the first half of the day having coffee with my sunshine and hashish and vixen and allison. it was fun. regular stand up comedians i tell you. then, i had to work which was of course was a big drag. i'm really getting tired of the whole thing. wow. i might try for that freelance job thingee so we'll see. i'm beginning to totally hate the idea of going home on the train now. i hate the people and that whole thing of not having any choice but to face the guy right infront of you. it's unbelievable with the amount of shit that i am forced to listen to. their conversations are so mundane that it makes me sick. shut up. just shut the fuck up will ya? anyway, got back home and played with my hamster for about an hour or so. i'm still in need of a name....hey look at that..she's sleeping in her cage listening to dashboard. how indie rock is that?
*armstrong*
may24th,1:50am>there was a time when i was used to sell myself short(no pun intended..if you know what i mean) and tell things about myself to the other party which i'm not proud of, just to avoid the whole aspect or the possibility of a fist fight or any type of argument at all. i couldn't stand the whole idea of anybody not liking me. it was an insecurity but nowadays i don't really care anymore. the difference between the old me and the new me is that the new me won't be the first one to apoogise unless of course i am entirely at fault but then again i'm not perfect. there are some cases when the whole ego thing will be a big factor. i wanted so much to be perfect for everybody. it was hilarous. the things that i used to do for people. it was ridiculous. i kinda like the new me now. i'm picking my fights now. fight the good fight, you know? yep.
*public service announcement*
may24th,1:42am>some friends of mine thought i'm gonna turn 21 today when it's not true. today is not my birthday. although i do wish it is.
*hamsters hamsters*
may23rd,12:45am>i have a hammie! yay! my dad rescued it from getting eaten by a cat. she's right beside me. that's right. it's a she. she's trying to get out from her cage and i feel kinda bad but i don't really wanna let it go cos then she's gonna start getting chased by cats again. i'm saving up to buy her a new cage. a bigger one. she'll be the envy of hammies everywhere.
*eureka*
may22nd,1:56pm>if they can't see me, then there is no way that they can touch me and hurt me inside or out. so they won't see me. they won't see me at all. eureka
*get on or get off or get on*
may22nd,1:23pm>it's a tuesday. hooray. i need to go to school later to clear up a few things. oh well. anything for an education. i'm getting sick and tired of my part time job. it's getting to be a drag. i'm gonna quit as soon as i can find something else better. another part time job cos damn it..i need the money.i really do and so do a lot of other people. and maybe this time i hope it won't be anything customer service related cos people are so full of shit sometimes. i go to work like 4 times a week and have to stand around for an average of like 5 hours a day and have to listen to you fucking complain. i have no idea how anybody who does this full time can actually stand it. oh well,i gotta make a change. this stagnant hour will get me nowhere.
*choice*
may22nd,1:38am>i'm gonna be 21 in a couple of days and i could feel it coming. this whole adult thing. bleeergh. i don't really wanna grow up cos then i'm afraid that i might be part of the problem. i have no idea why some kids these days are in such a hurry to grow up. getting married and starting a family, you know? there's no hurry right? at this point of my life, i just wanna learn. i have no idea why, but all of a sudden i am beginning to read a lot. it's good i guess. i'm having this urge to try new things. anything. just so i can say, "yep...been there...done that.."and really mean it. i've been thinking a lot. about my future among other things. i can't help but feel that time is running out. 24 hours is like a second to me right now and one second means absolutely nothing. i have to get smarter. i have to work harder. i'm gonna go in hard. there's no point in slowing down now. but i have to do it carefully, you know? don't wanna contribute to the whole problem. i have to stay clear of that. i have to stay focus. have to stay strong and have to go in hard. there's no other way. there's no other way but to fly.
*blast*
may22nd,1:32am>had a good day with my baby. we went to all sorts of different places. it was awesome. we even saw somethin "hair raising" but i'm not gonna tell you what. if you know me, you can ask me what it is the next time you see me. we tried to get lost and we did. it was fun. and today for the first time, i had a heart to heart talk with her. about life and the stuff that i'm going through and she's a real good listener with some good advice to spare. it was awesome.
*in the mode*
may22nd,1:13am>("i'll choke you till your breath runs dry.till everything crumbles inside."-dyfectra.) i don't even know why i bother. i don't get this life in places that i want it to be and i guess that's cool,that's okay. i'm re-reading "smile,you're travelling" by henry rollins and there's some stuff in there that i can definately relate to. whatever. so what is respect to you? what do you know by that term? i'm gonna put the knive to your face and you have to tell me what it is cos i have no idea what it means. i never had it in my hands but that's okay cos what i have is what a lot of people need. i have self respect. i respect what i am capable of and at this point, i'm just pushing that line. you have no idea what i can take in. you have no idea what i'm thinking. most of the time you think you do, but the truth is you don't. i can talk to you and have a knive right behind my back and you will have no idea.it's hard when you get yourself in situations that you don't really want to be in. and the thing is, you could have avoided the whole thing but here you are again getting fucked for being who you are. you can come here and try to figure me out. i dare you. you can try to assume and that's it. they are just assumptions and that's not gonna be holding any real ground but you'll do it anyway. and why? just so you can feel good about yourself? i'm not saying that i know what you are all about cos at this point, i don't really care. you've buried the knive deep enough and now i'm moving in. with or without you.
*earth swallowing me*
may21st,1:13am>i need silence. all i need is silence right now. i need to know where i am right now with myself. i don't really have to care much about where i am with the outside. it's not really gonna matter. do i still have faith? do i?
*erasing a jukebox*
may21st,1:04am>they dress the same like how these comedians are. how i laugh. into empty bars and streets and selves and eyes. but you were always so full of fresh air. i need some to cure my headache. i need some to cure this headache. we burn midnight and expect another one to come by. what are we? gods? sir lil wizard do your magic trick where everything can and must fall from skies. i will go my jolly way if you give me what i need. i hunger for this day to become monsters. i hunger for this day to tell the truth. "do you really wanna know?"
*spew*
may20th,1:01am>didn't i tell you? last night i was at daniel's place and we had fun. unfall,beatnik bob and i. we had fun. tons of it. heavy. dancer in the dark i saw but only the last part but enough of it to understand the whole story,i think. you tell me. my head is all a spinning around like nothing and i think i'm spewing gibberish. i don't even know what 'spewing' means but i'm sure you do cos you are smart. my words are in order in my head but it's not coming out right and so i'm having fun with the fact that i have no idea what it is that i'm writing. oh well..sometimes brilliant things comes out in moments of insanity. just like this. i thought i saw soulman dancing in my head. i'm wishing he's okay just like me like them like tornadoes going ladidada. i sing like baby on hot summer sun. my head is spinning around the wrong way and i love cones with ice cream on top. uhm...say yummy. i can't say nothing that you don't even know. i'll come back around when there's something i need to say but right now i need to die. i love..uhm...my friends.
*pressing*
may20th,12:06am>oceans are you/
they make you real/
like hours and minutes/
make mine into a day
*batmobile*
may18th,1:27am>i'm sleepy and bored and all i wanna do is run into your arms.see you in my dreams.
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